Mean Girls

Yes, I am afraid of the time when my daughter finally becomes a teenager—that is true—but it goes way beyond that. I am afraid of teenage GIRLS, in general. The vision of my daughter being one sends chills down my spine, but more frightening than that is the idea of her being hurt by one. Teenage girls can be M-E-A-N—mean! I see them walking home from school, from the back, they all look the same—skinny jeans, Ugg boots, plaid shirts, and long hair—they look like clones. So, what if you stray from the accepted norm—will you be ostracized? rejected? tormented? Having a daughter, I want to shield her, protect her from girls who could possibly damage her self-esteem, and at the same time I want to be sure that she never, EVER turns into one of them—a mean girl. For this reason, I have attempted to help prepare her for the teen years in a couple of different ways (unfortunately, I won’t know if it worked for another six or seven years—so you’ll have to check back for an update then).

The first way was by having her embrace her individuality. Although I didn’t really have any other choice but to let my daughter be herself (she is too strong willed to have it be any other way), I have tried to influence her whenever I could. At the age of two, she decided that she would only wear dresses, and for me—a former tomboy—this came as a bit of a shock. It got worse from there, she only liked Disney Princesses, and once  she even asked for a Barbie—but that’s where I drew the line. My childhood was spent playing outside, digging holes, building forts, and wishing I were a boy because being a cowgirl wasn’t good enough. A dress-wearing, princess playing, girlie-girl was not what I imagined when I first had a daughter. So, you can imagine how my mind would jump ahead 15 years and see my daughter as a possible future mean girl. From then on, I nurtured anything I saw in her that went against the norm. If she wanted to wear a pink plaid skirt with a bright yellow polka-dotted sweater and blue socks, I would be happy that she wanted to create her own style, no matter how odd. I let her do her hair however she wanted—or not at all—it made no difference to me. As she’s gotten older, she has toned down the interesting clothing combinations, in favor of more traditional choices—like the pair of Uggs she begged for for about three years until I finally gave in—but she likes to have a little flair with what she wears—maybe some pins that describe her personality, suspenders worn with a pair of jeans, or a brightly-colored scarf. She doesn’t want to be like anyone else—she is not a follower—and she isn’t afraid to both standout and be herself. I don’t know if this alone will prevent her from becoming a “clone,” but I think it’s a good start.

I’ve also watched movies with her that focus on the kind of meanness that I most fear—like Mean Girls. The first time we watched it, she was probably five or six—I know, completely crazy—BUT she was so young that most of it went right over her head, so I took the opportunity to show her how mean girls behave. I wanted her to see what they looked like, how they acted, and to understand why others might be stupid enough to follow them. Even at such a young age, or maybe because of it, the movie made quite an impression on her. Over the next few weeks, she wanted to talk about it again and again, asking questions about why someone would want make others feel so bad. I loved watching her form her own opinion about how you should never act. Since then, I’ve tried to find ways to prepare her for being on the receiving end of this kind of meanness—explaining to her that meanness comes from a place of insecurity. My advice to my daughter is to be brave throughout life—especially when faced with people who want to tear her down, and to always be herself, even when others might ridicule her for it.